too many classes, not enough time...

One of my continuing sources of anxiety is my inability to do all that I think I ought. Part of this is about beginning my last semester of course works and having to opt out of classes that would be really good for me. I was going to audit a Ricoeur class, or maybe a Jewish Backgrounds to the NT class, or maybe a Church and Politics (read: Augustine and Augustinians) class... but alas, I have no time. I'm so very ready to be done with coursework and to begin focusing on my actual research, but I know that there is still so much that I don't know, that I would like the chance to learn in a seminar context with an expert to help guide me and colleagues to pick up my slack!

I'm always reminded of the main character in Don DeLillo's White Noise. I don't think I ever finished the book (like so many books), but the main character stuck in my head. He was a professor of Hitler Studies (charming) whose dirty secret was his complete ignorance of German. He was clandestinely taking language classes in his spare time to mitigate his shame. And that, my friend, I fear will be my future--though hopefully not with German.

And yet I'm reminded that we all have embarrassing gaps in our knowledge. We all have areas of expertise, and we all fudge all the other stuff to greater or lesser degrees. Augustine was crap at Greek! (Ok, so that's kind of a false historical myth, but it's a fun one to bring up in this instance.)

I've always sort of had anxiety over this. I got in the historical theology game pretty late, and I think I've done pretty well considering. I came to seminary thinking I wanted to be a community organizer. I had a BA in Religion that never touched the tradition but focused instead on feminist and liberation theologies. Somehow I got seduced by the Dark Side around 2005 and decided to pursue a career in Patristics--nevermind that I had no Latin or Greek whatsoever. So, yeah, to find myself doing fairly well in a top-notch PhD program is pretty satisfying.

But I'm always painfully aware of what I don't know. My ancient philosophy has been hobbled together over the last few years. My engagement with 20th/21st century theology is almost non-existent, save what I remember from undergrad. And even that was fairly pigeonholed. I have no knowledge of theory except what hermeneutical language I've picked up along the way. I passed my German and French exams, but have not used them since.

And yet, I remind myself: I'm only a 2nd year student. I just wish I didn't have such good colleagues. Conversations with folks like Ralston and Penniman (I'm sure you'll be reading them in a few years) always leave me wishing I had my finger more securely on the theological pulse. Ralston can tell you who is even thinking of writing what at any given university, and Penniman can move smoothly from a discussion of Maximus' Greek text to a commentary on emergent church practices.

And yet, darn it, I know more about Nemesius of Emessa than either of them! So, HA!

And I have a much better beard.